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MOTORBIKES...
 
Oversteer is when the pillion is scared... Understeer is when the rider is scared...
 
 
DEAR DIARY...    thanks Lionel...
 
HER:  Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. 
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it.
 
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. 
He agreed, but he didn't say much. 
I asked him what was wrong.
He said, 'Nothing.'  I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. 
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
 
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.  I can't explain his behavior. 
I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' 
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. 
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
 
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.  About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. 
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.  He fell asleep - I cried.  
I don't know what to do.  I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.  My life is a disaster.
 
HIM:  My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid
 
 
NYMPHOMANIAC CONVENTION...      thanks Linda...
 
A man boarded an aircraft at London and took his seat;
as he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.
 
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, 'business trip or vacation?'
 
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said,
'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States'.
 
He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him,
and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs !
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'
 
'Lecturer,' she responded.. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'
 
'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'
 
'Well,' she explained, ' one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when,
in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,'
 
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.
'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name.'
 
'Tonto,' the man said.... 'Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy.'
 
 
BABY PLANES...          thanks Al...                                                                                                               TOP  
 
A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawa to Calgary.
The little boy who had been quietly looking out the window, turned to his mother and said,
'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
 
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to go ask the flight attendant.
 
So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, who was busy serving drinks.
She smiled and asked, 'Did your Mom tell you to ask me?'
 
The boy answered, 'Yes, she did.'
'Well, then you go and tell your Mom that there are no baby planes because Westjet always pulls out on time.
Have your Mom explain that to you.'
 
 
BAD DOMAIN NAMES...

All of these are companies that didn't spend quite enough time
considering how their online names might appear - and be misread...
 
Who Represents: is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is
www.whorepresents.com

Experts Exchange: is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange Advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

There's the Italian Power Generator company,
www.powergenitalia.com

And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales,
www.molestationnursery.com

If you're looking for IP computer software, there?s always
www.ipanywhere.com

The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is
www.cummingfirst.com

And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
http://www.speedofart.com     (go-on! click-it!)
 
 
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when....     thanks Aaron...                                                       TOP
 
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
 
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
 
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
 
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family
     is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
 
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone
     to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
 
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
 
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone,
    which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life,
    is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
 
10. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.
 
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.  :-)
 
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
 
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
 
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
 
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
      AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
 
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!!!
 
PS. Have you picked up your mobile phone instead of the remote control, or vice-versa ???
 
 
Why did the chicken cross the road...?      thanks Dr.Phil... oops, I mean Phil.                                  TOP
 
DR.PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road
before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road.
What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on
his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad.
So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life.
I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE.W.BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road; but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain.
Alone.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs,
file your important documents, and balance your chick book.
Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken!
What is your definition of chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
 
 
Health = Vine!...   thanks Westy.                                                                                                            TOP
 
As Ben Franklin said: “in wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria”
 
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria  found in faeces.
(In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo)
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:  Water = Poo    Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of $hit!
 
 
Swiss army knife!...   thanks Chris L.
 
This couple is driving along the highway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything...
the heat, the long drive, bad drivers, the country, etc. His wife is getting absolutely annoyed with his depressing talk,
so she says to him, "One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my Swiss army knife!"
About half an hour later, he starts complaining again, and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife
and slices her husband's penis off and throws it out the window.
 
Driving behind the couple's car is another married couple and their 8 year old daughter.
The penis suddenly lands on their car's windshield and the father, in a panic, quickly puts on the windshield wipers
to get the dick off the windshield and out of the view of his daughter. After he does this, the daughter asks,
"Daddy, what was that?". Her father, still in a panic, replies, "Oh it was only a butterfly, dear."
To which his daughter replies, "Holy crap, did you see the size of its dick?!"
 
 
Estate Planning...   thanks Chris L.
 
Dave was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. 
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. 
 
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. 
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man,"  he said to her,  
"but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit  20 million dollars."
 
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.  
ahhh " Women are so much better at estate planning than men "

 
Quote of the week:  yep, it's a good one Pres... :-)                                                                                  TOP
 
This is a strictly Mathematical Viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?   What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
 
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
 
Then:
 
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
 
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
 
But,
 
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
 
And,
 
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
 
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
 
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
 
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close,
and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
 
"REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM."
 
 
Voted Best Joke of the Year in Australia                                                                                      TOP
 
Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

 
Apologies, they made me do it...
 
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes
and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.
So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted
to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb,
and she wanted to do it, by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"
 
 
Just to be fair... thanks Frank
 
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"...   "Not yet" she replied...
 
 
Tuesday Funny...                                                                                                                                 TOP
 
Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep.
Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend.

"Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Robin replies," I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.

Robin ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day today.

What does it tell you, Batman?"
Batman is silent for a moment, and then speaks:
"Robin, you @#!*ingidiot, someone has stolen our tent."
 
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